Thursday, August 11, 2005

my mind is fulled with so much things that i cannot clearly differentiate right from wrong... gotta wake myself... come back to reality... stop before i change to someone i dun wish to be...

i feel that over the past few weeks... my jealousy level went up high... near to danger zone... tats abnormal... why get jealous over small things... it only harm myself... when one is jealous... means he/she cares abt the matter... my jealousy level is so high.. means i care too many stuff.. till i am suffocating...

dunno, but suddenly i feel like a ... like i'm turning to a bad person... i cannot let my mind rest... but not to the extend that i wanna murder someone or hit someone... but somethings i really cannot accept it... why??!!

mixed feelings... what do i really want... an emotional person who doesn't really like to reveal her emotion to others... it is so hard to be me... i am very protective over my love ones... the people i care... one thing i fear alot is rejection and not having assurance... i do not need you to tell directly to me you care abt me or not, it might be hard to say too... a simple gesture like a hug.. or just asking how i am... i am really fine with it... i just need to know at times... an assurance to know that i still have frens by my side... that someone cares abt me and appreciate my care and love for them... as i said before... i been giving.. but i dun feel it coming back... sometimes i need to know that whether i should carry on giving.. or stop since there is no point for me to go on if you dun care... I believe tat i have to give first in order to recieve it.

my emotion is unstable..maybe because i dunno wad i want... sometimes i yearn to hear from my mother that she love me... i wanna hug her at times... but she dun want... haiz... i may have grown up.. but i still need love...
Frens... sometimes i really wonder if there is such thing as true frens... it could be my fault becos i never put frens in my top 3 piority.. but tat does not mean i dun treasure them... i regretted losing a few... and trying badly to save a few... some i totally let go... i dunno ... maybe i didn't give my frens the assurance that i will be there for them in times of need... therefore i dun get that back too... maybe...

i hate the bad side of me... and it seems to be overpowering my better side... it feels to me that my bad side wants to surface out... some of it is growing badly... and i am losin my determination to fight it... i feel so exhausted... having to fight to hide my bad side... i am losing strength... help me... (*it may feel dramatic to you... but not to me..)

*Pcss Band
*MeLissA[Cousin]
*EzaLiNe
*HuiWen
*Ng Xinyi
*RoNia
*SAndrA
*SZe SiNg
*SopHian
*ChOOn wEi[Band]
*CriStaBel[Band]
*JoAnnA[Band]
*JesSicA[Band]
*KeLly[Band]
*NinA[Band]
*PeiJun[Band]
*WanLing[Band]
*WeiHsin[Band]
*WinnieFer[Band]
*ZiyAng[Band]
*Goh YiMei[NCO Fren]
*Wei Liang[SRJC Fren]
*Yi Ling[SRJC Fren]
*Joline[SRJC Fren]
*Irene Pua[SWS Fren]